Local Man

This Frank Millhouse has maxed out on Facebook, he accepted his 5000^th friend on the popular social limit was set so high as Facebook executives never thought a person could have so many friends.

“This vindicates me as a human being, I am finally popular!” extorts Millhouse. “After years of wedgies and swirlies my time in the AV and computer club have proven the best way to spend my school years.”

Millhouse has worked hard for years to attain this goal, dedicating all available free time to access Facebook via his phone and computer to post hundreds of videos and jokes daily. These videos, such as his “kitty waltz” featuring Frank dancing the waltz with his cat Bart catapulted him to Facebook fame. His Anakin Skywalker imitation is considered classic video internet work.

Sociologist Jim Burnside of the University of South Tampa says that Facebook serves an important role to loners and losers such as Millhouse. They are able to count their Facebook friends and this reinforces their feelings of self worth. While still being physically and emotionally isolated from the rest of society, unable to bed a woman, men like Millhouse are able to reach out to the world in a safe and utterly meaningless way.

“Ultimately we as a society recognize that the Facebook Friends are not real friendships. These are not people who will go to a movie with you, loan you money or pick you up at the airport. We still must interact face to face to form truly meaningful human relationships.”

There is no demoralizing Millhouse who is excited “to be a champion, to be liked by people” and reports he can not wait to tell his mom.