A South Tampa man who became disoriented and lost made a shocking discovery of a huge land mass north of Kennedy Boulevard this week. He survived for days while exploring these new lands returning to civilization amid great fan fare for his discovery.

Declared missing over a week ago Jethro Hood was in fact on the greatest adventure and exploration of his life even if it was on accident. “It was the two dollar PBRs that got me all confused. Instead of going home I wound up exploring the great unknown. I spent days just trying to figure put how which way home way. After that I was able to march home and study this strange new land” told Jethro. 

Jethro expressed great shock at finding native people who spoke our language. He documented many encounters with what appeared to be a primitive culture that knew nothing of Gucci, the right people in Tampa, trust funds or MacDintons Bar. “How they managed to survive living like that is horrible to think of.”

Based on Jethro’s findings and observations South Tampa University anthropology professor Dixie Southpride believes this culture, now being called “The Northern Tribes” was likely founded by outcasts and exiles, those unable to function in or afford the elite south Tampa culture. “History shows us there are often camp followers, dregs of society that live on the fringe of civilization. It is entirely possible these Northern People may have low level unseen connections into the backdoor of our elite society.”

That notion has terrified most of South Tampa’s leadership who have demanded the city act to protect the sanctity of South Tampa and assure only the right people are in the civilized area. A motion has been brought before city council to better seal our borders and keep out the undesirables. The city council is expected to vote on the matter shortly.